I was talking to a young wife recently who was frustrated that her husband isn’t communicative enough. He rarely asks her how she’s feeling or what she’s thinking. He goes all “deer in the headlights” when she asks him probing questions. He’d usually rather watch a ball game on TV than sit on the couch, look into her eyes and share his heart.
You know what I told her? I essentially said, “Give it up, girl. Your man may never change.”
No matter how that sounds, I actually wasn’t being fatalistic or cynical. We had a good talk and she said she left very encouraged. But not because I helped her figure out how to change her husband. Just about every wife I know has tried that, failed and created all manner of misery along the way. I know whereof I speak.
I did tell her, however, that she can control her thinking and expectations, and changing those might change her marriage. We talked about how if she if she focuses on and appreciates her husband’s many good qualities and trusts God to meet her needs, as He promises to do, her frustration level will likely go way down, even if her hubby’s word count doesn’t go up.
That’s certainly not as easy as it sounds, but I’ve found it’s far easier than arguing all the time. My husband says, “Amen and amen” to that, and so does the Bible: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone (Romans 12:18b).”
There’s a whole lot of needless conflict going on, well, everywhere, and much of it is a result of our feeling entitled to get what we want and our unwillingness to accept what God wants for us. As the Bible says, “For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing (James 3:16).”
I know a lot of you parents have watched Disney’s “Frozen” movie until you’re nearly comatose, but Elsa communicated an important truth when she belted out, “Let It Go.” It reminds me of a biblical truth found in 1 Peter 5:7: “Cast all your anxiety (cares) upon Him (God) because He cares for you.” How much better to let our desires, needs, and frustrations “go” to an omnipotent, loving God who “causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).”
Let me now broaden the scope a bit and use a personal example that is especially relevant on this St. Patrick’s Day. Some of my ancestors left Northern Ireland and came to this country in the early 1800s at least in part, I’ve been told, to escape religious persecution. I’m sure they had many reasons to be bitter about that, and I guess I do, too, if I adopt the mindset so prevalent in our culture right now. But I’ve never wasted one bit of emotional energy being angry over how my relatives were mistreated. I can’t change their story, but I can clearly see where God ultimately brought much good from it.
There sure would be a lot less anger in our families and our country if we chose to prioritize loving over being loved; giving over being given to; doing what is right over getting what we want; and being thankful for the good things we have over holding onto bitterness about what we lack.
We can probably all be angry over many things if we choose to be, but life’s too short to spend it like that. Let it go. Trust God. Be thankful. And “if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things (Philippians 4:8c).”