“Here we go again.”
That’s what was pounding in my head and propelling the needle on my stress-o-meter into the red zone when I learned I was going to have to endure some unpleasant medical tests related to my digestive system.
I went around this mountain in a big way about 10 years ago and it literally darn near killed me. In my mind, this particular mountain is the ugliest of all—like the kind that’s been stripped of all vegetation and littered with old washing machines and junk cars. The prospect of doing it all again seems beyond overwhelming.
But, here I go. In fact, as I write this, I’m minutes from drinking the “nectar of despair” to prep for a colonoscopy tomorrow. I’m not excited about the next 30 hours of my life.
A few days ago I drank a bunch of mysterious nuclear fluid for a different test. I should probably have a biohazard symbol tattooed on my forehead.
Millennials have coined a phrase to express the kind of angst I’m currently feeling: “I can’t even.”
That’s me right now. I can’t even.
Can’t even believe I’m once again getting scoped, scanned, starved and stuck, or that I’m again dragging the people I love on this worry journey with me, or that this could possibly be God’s plan for me right now.
I can’t even.
And yet, this is my reality. This is it. This is me. This is now. And if God is truly in control, as I believe He is, He’s given this His thumbs-up.
So once again, even though I don’t understand, I’m called to trust what God has already said:
“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.’” (Jeremiah 29:11)
“And we know that God works all things together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28)
“But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, ‘Why have you made me like this?’” (Romans 9:20)
That last one is especially hard, isn’t it? We want a Heavenly Sugar Daddy who makes everything easy and comfortable and not the Heavenly Father we have who gives us what He knows (and we don’t) is best.
All’s well as long as my plan and His coincide, but when they don’t, it can rub up quite a blister.
But since this isn’t my first trip to this unpleasant place, at least I know what to do: like Asaph in Psalm 73, I need to get myself “into the sanctuary of God” for some perspective.
And so I do, and some very different “I can’t evens” overwhelm me …
I can’t even believe I’m among a relatively tiny percentage of people throughout history who’ve never had to worry a single day about having food to eat, water to drink, or a place to live.
I can’t even believe I’ve been surrounded by so many good, loving, kind and caring people all my life.
I can’t even comprehend that God, THE creator and sustainer of the universe, would so much want a relationship with me that He’d ransom my life with the life of His Son to bring me into His eternal family.
I can’t even imagine the perfect, glorious, never-ending life beyond this one awaiting all who believe in and follow Jesus.
There’s so much I can’t even understand, but that’s okay. I can trust that in the midst of some hard “I can’t evens” … God can. He always can.
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” – Psalm 73:26